Gentlemen Prefer Boring Outfits in the Park

Small boy:  Miss Hamer, Miss Hamer, it's my birthday today!

Me:  It's my little sister's birthday too!
Small boy:  I'm seven!  How old is your little sister?
Me:  She's twenty-two.

Small boy:  No way!

Happy birthday Stephieann!

As I probably mentioned once or thrice, last week I was treading the boards. (It went very well, thank you.  Stay tuned for the inevitable 'I was in a play' post sooner or later)  Show week coincided with half-term, which meant that I was able to spend the entire week doing lovely things (and by 'doing lovely things' I mean 'staying in the pub until closing time every night') with my thespian friends.  I'm firmly of the opinion that if I wear flowers in my hair that means it IS summer, so my pal Hannah and I prepared for opening night by going for a stroll through the park.

 

What's that I spy looming on the horizon?  Why, it's HMS Pinafore!


My dress is from Primark, my jacket is from Oasis, my scarf is from H&M and my boots are so knackered that I almost left them to achieve immortality in the Shoe Tree...


Don't do it, Bette!  You'll have to walk home barefoot!

I found it slightly amusing that no fewer than four people texted me this morning, full of concern, to inform me that Jane Russell had died.  I love that I'm the first thing people think of when they hear that olden-days movie stars have snuffed it.  Poor dead, beautiful Jane. 

This picture's my absolute, total favourite.

Dazzling, wasn't she?

We're Rigged Out In Magnificent Array

A few days ago I asked you lot to decide whether my green turban or my red feather headband was the more eccentric, and you all voted for the turban.  Well I had a special reason for asking, and this is it:

"But darlink, vot do you expect for eighteen pence a day?"

Fear not, I'm not going to wear this to school or to pop to the supermarket - I am taking to the stage this week, and this number is one of my costumes. 

 (You might recognise my favourite shoes and my bonkers leopard jacket from previous Boring Outfit Posts - all the other bits came from my own wardrobe too!)

"Are you in a play, Bette?", I hear you cry, "Please tell us all about it!"

I'm in The Grand Duke by Gilbert and Sullivan, and if you're in the North East this weekend (or anywhere in the UK for that matter, this is what trains and motorways were invented for, people) you simply must come and watch us. You haven’t a hope of following the ludicrous plot, OR of understanding my rubbish Russian (ish) accent, but the music’s very catchy and the bar will be open at the interval in case you need to fortify yourself with gin before the second act. It will be BUCKETS of fun, do come along!

Speking of gin, I don't know what it is about hangovers that makes me come over all rockabilly, but whenever I'm getting dressed the morning after a good party, I seem to be inevitably drawn towards some combination of red, denim and leopard.  Here I am yesterday morning before rehearsal. 

We left the house at 10.30, rehearsed our socks off, went for a bite to eat, went for "a quick drink", and suddenly it's one in the morning and I'm staggering through the front door AGAIN, wearing my "drunk face", according to Simon, certain that I was going to be facing ANOTHER 'gin head' this morning.  How do these situations keep happening to me?!  Come bumpers, aye ever so many, indeed!

[Pardon the slippers.  And the face.  Yeesh.]

Cardi:  H&M
Wrap top:  charity shop
Jeans:  charity shop
Bette necklace:  Sunday Girl Accessories
Pin-up girl brooch:  Dolls and Molls
Headache:  Gordon's


(I actually feel fine this morning, so no grumpy-faced leopard-print Boring Outfit Post from me today!)

Three Things Right Now

Posing in the bathroom with giant head bow and shiny purple camera Casimira while waiting to go out:

Loving how theatrical my little vaudeville-dressing-room bedroom looks with the lights off and the lamp on:

Super stripy, fudgy, chocolatey cake I made:

SIMON: [tutting] Somebody has left this cake in a non-uniform shape! [Cuts off a sliver to make it symmetrical]

BETTE:  I can't believe we've eaten exactly half a cake today.  

SIMON:  Can't you?

BETTE:  No, you're right, I can very well believe it!

SIMON:  Tch, it's only a little one.  It's a two-person cake.

Happy Birthday Simon!

We are Dainty Little Fairies

Last week I went to see an excellent production of Iolanthe, starring some of my very talented friends.  The opening chorus featured ladies dressed as fairies in frills and wings, stamping around in Doc Martens:  “We are dain- THUD lit- THUD fair- THUDS”  Hilarious.  Anyway, that scene wasn’t a conscious influence when I got dressed this morning, but once I realised that I had no shoes that matched this outfit (I seldom wear pink, so I’m not accustomed to not being able to use red as my default accessory colour!), clunky boots were my only option.

This dress was another sister-reject.  (My sister, being more sensible than me, didn’t think “Hmm, a pink ribbon and black tulle-embellished polkadot prom dress, suitable for a 12-year-old girl going to a school disco…  Brilliant, I can totally wear this for work!”)

Anyway, I’ve got a very important question for you, readers, so please comment below.  Which looks the more eccentric, green turban (forwards or sidewards with huge flower clips), or red feather headband?

I will reveal all in due course.

A Wandering Minstrel I, A Thing Of Shreds and Patches

As you may have noticed, I love to have lots of clothes, but I’m a cheapskate and very rarely buy full-price clothes in 'real shops'.  I dig around for treasures in charity shops occasionally, but mostly I just rely on the charity of others and tend to collect various bargains and cast-offs that my friends and relations generously donate to me.

Today’s Boring Outfit Post is the result of an act of charity on the behalf of my sister, who kindly loaned me this pretty cream lace dress to wear on Christmas Day:

I was a little bit sad when a few weeks ago she blogged about how she was in the process of dying the lace dress purple.

Sadly for Stephanie, the dye only took around the edges of the lace flowers, and turned the dress a wussy lilac instead of the strong purple she was hoping for.  In addition, the outer layer shrunk slightly, making the lining (which had resisted turning purple but had gone a dingy beige) stick out of the bottom.  She didn’t care for the end result and decided to fling the dress my way.  Wahey!  Thanks, Teff!

Dress:  Primark, via ebay, via sister

Purple tights:  Christmas present

Boots:  Second-hand shop

I like the way that the cute little buttons turned pink in the dying process.

And if my badly-dyed, lining-exposing, third-hand dress weren’t shoddy enough by itself, I wore it with the most dilapidated, leaky, liable-to-disintegrate-at-any-moment boots in the world.  Aren’t they a state?

I love them and refuse to get rid until they literally decompose beneath my feet.  AND it’s been bleedin’ cold at school today, so I’ve been shuffling around the corridors with a very student-scumbaggy, non-work-attire hoodie over the top.  Hooray!

Previously on Bette on Toast…

 Just in case anyone was wondering how my catastrophic cake turned out the other day, here is a picture of the finished article:

Shame the birthday girl was too hungover to fully appreciate it, mwahaha!

Nice Things That I Can't Afford

Good Evening, Blogland!

Thought I'd lure you in with a picture of cake

I've had a busy week, following last week's busy week, and preceeding (how many Es are there in preceding?) next week's busy week.  I'm tiiiiired and whingey and I could really do without it.  Yesterday I was feeling extremely grumpy and sorry for myself.  (Example tweets: "Today has been a headche from start to finish. Except it hasn't finished yet, I've got three hours of rehearsal ahead. :o/"  and  "The worst thing about afternoon naps is being wrenched out of slumber by the shrill wail of your alarm clock TWICE in one day.") but today I'm much chirpier. 


That's my chirpy face

This morning I made pancakes in assembly, and since getting home this afternoon I have been very domestic.  I have done a load of laundry, including a pair of shoes that were all grubbified with hair dye and the finest mud from Kielder Forest, neither of which seem to have washed out, grrr.  They're currently on the radiator stuffed with newspaper, so maybe some intellectualism from the Times Educational Supplement* will rub off and make them look smart and impressive once they've dried.

*Sorry, Simon, I didn't ask, but I only nicked pages from the back of the jobs section, since I didn't think you were planning on becoming Headmaster of an exclusive boys' boarding school in Tanzania any time soon.

Anyway, I've done my weekly pick-up of my floordrobe (shameful!) and put it all on my bed in piles according to destination (pile for the trouser drawer, pile for the t-shirts box, considerably larger pile for the dresses wardrobe) so I can't go to bed until it's all put away, and I've finally caught up with My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding and I've done some washing-up and I've baked totally, utterly and completely the crappest birthday cake ever made.  I'm going to risk a certain lovely doctor reading this before I surprise her with it tomorrow (and WON'T she be surprised, ye gods, it's so rubbish...) and tell you the story so you can laugh at my ineptitude.

So.  You know those giant cookies you can get with Smarties baked in, and they're all colourful and lovely?  Well, when I couldn't find chocolate chips in the Co-op I decided to get Smarties instead, chuck them in a basic sponge cake recipe and get amazing, beautiful rainbow cake.  Well.  Smarties may thrive in cookies, but let me tell you, in a cake they sink to bottom, adhere to the cake tin, completely lose their rainbow colours (WTF? How?!) and taste a bit burnt-chocolate-y.  And both cake layers crumbled into shreds when I tried to get them out of the tins, so I'm going to have to do some serious glueing with icing.  PAH!!



OH DEAR!



And as if to add insult to injury, I've just stumbled across this picture of a cake I made for Simon's birthday two years ago.  Where have my skills gone?!



Anyway, the real point of this post, as the title suggests, was meant to be a Wishlist.  My friend Buttercup Liffy and I, being both blogging-novices, were getting very excitable on Tuesday about followers and stats and so on, and she mentioned planning a Wednesday Wishlist post, and I thought I would plagiarise her idea, but I haven't got around to it until now.  (Doesn't look like Liffy has either though, so there!)  So yes, Nice Things That I Would Like But Can't Afford:



Top of the list, Vivienne Westwood Anglomania Lady Dragon shoes with cherries.  RRP £120, except they sold out months ago.  How am I supposed to go on living without these in my life??

The  Pixie Pin-Ups Palette by Too Faced.  It's make-up with pop-up pixie pin-ups on it!!  Definitely an essential and not frivolous at all, even for 25 squid for six small eyeshadows.

A vintage Daimler, complete with uniformed chauffeur.  Failing that, a small, modern car and driving lessons.  Failing THAT, a really beautiful bike.

Kitchen mixing device.  Preferably a pretty one.  As I found to my cost today, making cakes the old-fashioned way with a bowl and a wooden spoon is a complete ball ache!

A ticket to Anton and Erin's Puttin' on the Ritz.  Sunday night, at the Sage.  Thirty-nine stinking pounds, if there are indeed any left.  But booooo I want to go!

A cleaning lady.  See earlier comment about floordrobe!

And, like, loads and loads of dresses.  And a bigger wardrobe.

(Oh, bloody hell, I've just remembered I covered my bed in piles of clothes.  What a bloody stupid idea.)



This post is just way too long

Right, ladies and gentlemen Simon, on the menu tonight we have a quick boring outfit post, a bit of a diary of what I've been up to lately, some random observations, and finally an exciting surprise.  All laced with the usual killer witticisms and nuggets of hilariousness, of course.  Ready?  Let's go.

Boring Outfit Post

This is what I wore Saturday night on the Toon.  My vintage white dress is so versatile - I've worn it with summery colours for the daytime, with utterly ridiculous leopard print platform shoes (that I bought on ebay when I was drunk once) and red lipstick for parties, with brown leather for a sliiightly boho look this time (No Alexa, I'm not becoming a hippy - this is as boho as I get!), AND I'm sure it will come in for a costume should I ever play an angel in a Nativity play.

Dress:  Best Vintage in Newcastle
Belt:  River Island, when I was 18
Boots:  Clarks January sale a few years ago
Bag:  AMAZING vintage-shop-charity-shop-hybrid in Oldham

Here are my flutterbys.  I bought the pink one when I was about 17 and used to wear it on my white beret.  The gold one came in a set from Monsoon that was a present from one of the children at school (Monsoon! Very generous child, that one!), and I haven't got a clue where the green one came from.

I may say "haway" from time to time, but I'm not a proper Newcastle girl yet, since I wear a jacket on winter nights.  Of course it had to be my ridiculous leopard one!

My glamorous showbiz life

In the past couple of weeks I have been to see THIS



Couldn't choose which of the amazing Deco-inspired posters I liked best, so I had 'em all.

Oh my word!  I knew it was going to be creepy, but I didn't realise there was going to be quite so much gore and mutilation.  If you haven't seen it yet, it's basically 40% horror film, 40% porn film and 20% ballet film.  I DID like it, but don't want to ever see it again ever!  We saw it at the beeyootiful Tyneside cinema, and the feeling of the Metro rumbling past underneath our seats gave the film an additional layer of creepiness.  Predictably, my favourite thing about Black Swan (I didn't realise until today that it hasn't got a 'The'.) was the make-up.  So dramatic and stage-y!

I've also seen THIS

I don't think that's actually the right image for this production, but it matched my Black Swan posters!

A-MAY-ZING!!  I don't think I've ever seen a standing ovation in the Theatre Royal before, or at least not a ten-minute long one with people dancing in the aisles.  Literally!  Dancing in the aisles!  I thought that was an urban myth!  Anyway, it was fab, and Simon's going to quit teaching and join the cast as Willard, the cowboy who can't dance.  Sadly there isn't a part tailor-made for me, so I'm going to have to play one of the two mothers.  Classic alto, stuck as the old lady again!

I've dined on roast beef on two consecutive Sundays, once at Malmaison, swank swank swank, and once in my own kitchen.

ME: Mm, this is nice gravy.

SIMON: It's not gravy. Gravy is working-class. This is a jus.

I also got my hair cut.

It's got some layers this time, so I'm not a proper flapper anymore.



Anyway, onto the exciting surprise!

I was very pleased to be nominated for a Stylish Blogger Award by Little Miss Bossy of littlemissbossysadventures !  A blog award!  AND I'm up to 17 followers!  I've arrived!  Thank you very much, Little Miss Bossy.  It was very thrilling seeing my blog link right there in your post, and I'm totally spiffed to be considered a Stylish Blogger!  My already considerable vanity is going to go through the roof now!  It cheered me up after an afternoon involving a child throwing up on my feet, and there aren't many things that can bring you out of a puke-induced mood!

The conditions of the Stylish Blogger Award are:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.

2. Share 7 things about yourself

3. Award 10 recently discovered great bloggers.

4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award

So, seven facts about me...

1.  I can twist my left thumb around so it looks like my thumb is on backwards.  Yes, it's gross and no, you don't want to see a photo.

2.  I've got a phobia of a common household vegetable, and no, Simon, it isn't funny.

3.  My dream job would be to be in charge of the Naming Bureau, where new parents, as part of registering the baby's birth, would have to apply for the name they want.  I would review each name, and if deemed unacceptable, I would return the application with 'REJECTED' stamped across it in big red letters, and a list of three options from which they may choose.  This would prevent children from being called stupid things like Madison.

4.  I hate washing my hair.

5.  I would like to time-travel to meet Robin Hood.  I bet he was a hottie.

6.  My favourite book in the world is 'Wise Children' by Angela Carter.  I feel like every word of it was written specifically for me.

7.  I copy-and-pasted several of these facts from a Facebook quiz from about two years ago!

Now onto the good bit!  Seven of my favourite stylish blogs, that I recommend you go and have a look at, because they're stylish, and stylish is good.

http://vixenvintage.blogspot.com/

Solanah's blog has the best outfits.  When she isn't buying and selling vintage clothes, I think she just skips around her city looking fabulous and eating strange American delicacies with her glamorous friends.  Look back through the archives and read how she got her vintage wedding dress for 75 cents!

http://freelancersfashion.blogspot.com/

The Freelancer is a burlesque dancer from Helsinki, she looks retro-perfect in every photo, her tattoos are amazing, her house is cool, and she's just generally brilliant.

http://pennydreadfulvintage.blogspot.com/

I love the way Penny Dreadful wears vintage with a modern kick-arse-ish-ness.  She also posts about books, films, bargains and her own glamorous life.  And she's really nice and comments on my humble blog!

http://essbeevee.blogspot.com/

Sarah has more dresses than anyone I've ever met, she takes nice pictures and she has a very high tolerance for creepy blog stalkers (cough me cough)

http://colormekatie.blogspot.com/

Not a fashion blog, but undoubtedly stylish.  Katie does crazy street art things with paper, and her blog is so colourful it instantly puts you in a good mood.

http://byanika.com/

Anika said in one post that she believes in only wearing things that you absolutely love - nothing you only tolerate.  I've adopted that as my philosophy!

oldhollywoodglamour.blogspot.com

Not updated all that often, but the posts are worth waiting for.  And it doesn't really get any more stylish than old Hollywood, now does it?

'Allo Nighthawk, thees ees Bluetit...

I think the children I work with have been secretly reading my blog.  How else can you explain the fact that, a day or two after I featured the "best teecha" picture drawn for me by one little girl, a second little girl tried to one-up her by turning up with a pretty little friendship bracelet she'd made for me?

Very small fans who bring you presents, and all the free Key Stage One fruit you can steal.  Did I mention I bloody love my job? 

It's in my favourite colours too!  Look how well I match!

[What follows is a picture that shows why I should not be allowed to masquerade as a style blogger, that is because I am inept and can't take decent photographs of clothes, have no Photoshop skillz and in fact can seldom be arsed to actually take boring outfit pictures.]

Blue shirt dress: H&M via charity shop
Red cardigan: Warehouse via charity shop via Father Christmas
Sparkly beret (hair needed a wash): Primark
Swallows brooches: Sunday Girl Accessories
Bracelet: handmade by six-year-old girl
Shoes: Hush Puppy via charity shop via Christmas present.

My friend Tara said "Nice brooches Elizabeth!  Are they bluetits?!"  A-hem.

Also, Primark red lipstick may be cheap and cheerful but it bleeds like nobody's business.  You definitely need lipliner!

Tweet tweet tweet!





Birds of a Feather

Last weekend I was in town on the hunt for bargains.  (Where have you been, Hamer? The January sales started on Boxing Day!  There's nothing left!)  I strolled into French Connection, and amongst the £100-reduced-from-£300 embellished party dresses (seriously gorgeous, but as IF) I spied a rack of little khaki shirt-dresses.  The waist ties were all tangled up around the bottom halves of the dresses and they looked a little bit twisted and deformed, but the print was so immensely pretty that I had to have a closer look.

The dresses were £25 (originally £65), which doesn't happen very often in French Connection, and the popular sizes were all still there.  Why on earth hadn't these beautiful dresses been snapped up weeks ago?!  I nabbed a 12, not believing my luck, and took it into the changing room to try on.

You can guess what happened next, can't you?

"Hang on, why has this dress got a gusset?"

It was a bloody playsuit!

So I put it on and took a photo on my phone and texted it to my very fashionable friend Natasha, saying "HELP PLAYSUIT WHAT DO I DO?!?!" and Natasha said "BUY IT!" and I said "BUT PLAYSUIT ARGH!" and Natasha said "BUY ITTTTT!!" so I bought it and took it home and shoved it into my wardrobe and hung my head in shame.

Except, actually, I sort of love it.

In the summertime I'm going to brazenly wear it with Lolita heart sunglasses, green wedgey sandals, the waist belt tied in my hair as a bow, and slender, bronzed legs. (Anyone know where I can buy a pair of those?!)  In the meantime:

Please overlook the fact that my cardigan has got caught up on one side and isn't hanging down evenly like it should be.  Also my tights are navy not black.

Needless to say, going to the loo has been a pain in the arse today!

If playsuits are good enough for Aunt Petunia, I suppose they're good enough for me...!