Monday, 23 January 2012

The GQ Look: Guest Toast

Dearest Toasters,

*lifts glasses* *looks left* *looks right* [in a French accent] It is I, Simon.  

Yes, that’s right, Toasters, the Simon of whom you hear so much is making a guest appearance!  For so long now, I have been meaning to write to you to tell you all about the other side of the fashion coin, the world of male fashion and my interpretation thereof.  I am extremely grateful to your regular Chief Toaster who has granted me this occasion to share my sartorial thoughts with you, even if her legs are often yellow and she stands in stupid poses at the garden gate.  I hate to disappoint you, but I feel I should warn you now that this post will feature none of the “peering through foliage” or “standing in feigned-giddiness with my hands at a 45 degree angle at the side of my body” shots to which you are accustomed.  Not sure what I’m talking about?  This:

Whoops!  That’s enough of that!

Anyway, I live a busy life, so in the style of Bette, I’m going to talk you through my daily outfits and how they fit into my busy-yet-glamorous lifestyle.  If there is no glamorous or humorous story related to a photo, I’ll make one up.  Here’s your first task: can you guess which stories are made-up?  Answers in a comment below!

This season it’s all about geek chic.  Luckily I am a geek, who is also chic, so for a limited time, I’m in fashion!  Here is the photo with which Bette teased you many moons ago when the idea of my guest post was first mentioned:

Shirt: H&M

Chinos: New Look

Faux-leather boots: New Look

Belt: H&M
Glasses: Tommy Hilfiger

This was my outfit for a night out in Newcastle.  The shirt had been bought specially, as the theme was “orange.”  If a colourblind person looks at this photo from a distance, it’s orange, I promise.

Moving on....

My glamorous international working lifestyle often requires me making presentations to the movers and shakers in education all over Europe.  This is me, mid-presentation during a recent business trip to Bruges in Belgium:

Shirt: Tommy Hilfiger
Trousers: M&S
Shoes (not fully visible): Next
Belt: H&M
Glasses: Tommy Hilfiger

This is one of my more boring outfits, which, I warn you, may reappear later in this post, owing to my extremely bad habit of recycling outfits regularly.  It managed to persuade the Europeans that I’d be a cool person to work with, though!

New Year’s Eve is always an interesting event to show off one’s wardrobe.  As I said goodbye to 2011 and said a very slurred “Alriiiiiiiiight?” to 2012, this is what I was wearing (accompanied by Bette herself!):

Shirt: M&S
Chinos: New Look
Espadrilles: TOMS
Belt: River Island

This was a particularly summery outfit, considering New Year’s Eve falls in the depths of winter, yet I feel it was a particularly good choice.  TOMS are excellent footwear for dancing all night long, yet don’t lend themselves well to nightclubs, in my opinion.  Speaking of footwear, did you notice in the above photo that Bette's shoes are not the same colour?  That’s because she’s a gin-swilling drunkard who left her shoes outside a vicarage once in an attempt to shame a Reverend.  Disgraceful.

As I mentioned earlier, I have a high-powered job in the education sector (the extent of which may or may not be a lie...).  As such, I am paid too much to deal with the bodily fluids and crayons that feature in the posts by this blog’s usual author.  Just to make things clear, she is an unqualified baffoon who is paid to be a skivvy to educated folk like me.  Now that we have that out of the way, here are a couple outfits that I regularly sport as I impart knowledge to the next generation of successful people:

Shirt: M&S
Trousers: Next
Shoes: Converse
Skinny tie: Primark
Belt: M&S

Shirt: M&S
Trousers: M&S
Shoes: Converse
Belt: H&M

You will have noted that most of my garments do not come with the same labels regularly cited by your beloved Bette (often accompanied by the vile line ‘via charity shop’ *shudder*).  Again, I’m paid too much to deal with bodily fluids, so I can spend money on my clothes with no worry of being vomited on as someone else wees up my leg.

Only two outfits remain before I leave you with a valuable piece of advice...

Recently I was approached by very important people to speak at a hugely impressive and important conference in London.  That’s how I roll, you see.  This is what I chose to impress the other people travelling in steerage on my way to the Big Smoke:

Shirt: Tommy Hilfiger
Jumper: M&S
Gilet: New Look
Trousers: M&S
Shoes: Converse
Manbag: Exclusive boutique on the Cote d’Azur
Suitcase: Tesco Direct
Broccoli: IKEA (long story)

I was too busy being busy and important (and playing Words With Friends on my iTelephone) to notice if the other people in cattle-class were impressed by my attire, but I’m sure they were.

My final outfit for you in this post is one that I know Bette despises.  Like me, her face is often unable to control itself when she is disgusted, so she tries to appear uninterested, but the upturned lip snarl is enough of a giveaway.  Here’s my slightly-blurry photo:

Shirt: Primark
Gilet: New Look
Black jeans: Primark
Shoes: Converse
Belt: H&M
Glasses: Tommy Hilfiger

I feel that Bette is offended by the gilet in this ensemble, yet that is my favourite feature.  Unfortunately my head is a little too oversized to permit me to utilise the design feature that allows the zip to go over my face.  It’s difficult having such a large brain sometimes.

To round off this post, here is a piece of advice for you, courtesy of Bette and myself: if it is cold outside, always keep your head warm, no matter how ridiculous you look:

Until next time, Toasters!

Sunday, 22 January 2012

Dotted with Unnumbered Daisies

Around February last year I grew tired of Winter and its wardrobe implications and began insisting that if I wore dresses and flowers in my hair then the seasons would jolly well have to follow suit and start behaving like Spring.

This year,  despite a much milder winter, I'm even more impatient.  I'm sicksicksick of vests and cardigans and scarves and above all, boots!  I'm yearning to buy a nice new pair of summery brogues, and to wear them with print dresses, a straw boater and ankle socks.  This Sunday morning afternoon - I didn't get dressed until 1.30 - the crisp, sunny skies made me want to reach for a pretty frock and (quite by accident - all my decent black tights are in the wash) some sick yellow tights that I haven't yet managed to fit into an outfit.  I daresay when Simon comes home from Morrisons he will have some scathing words to say about my dressing like a giant daisy, but I quite like it!

Here I am stealing my neighbour's garden gate for a quick spot of posing.  ("Quick" spot of posing my arse - you wouldn't believe the complicated arrangement of flower pot, brick and wheelie bin involved in taking these photographs, and in full view of the whole street, too!)  I always had a secret wish to be Mary from The Secret Garden...  I liked her best because she was a sulky brat like me!

Curses, is that my hair going ginger again?!

Dress: Dorothy Perkins sale, in October, when I was very grumpy because the mother had made me spend the last day of my holiday trekking to uninteresting spots in Northumberland, and by the time we got to Morpeth I had mutinied and escaped to Dotty P's and Costa instead of another museum.
Tights: Primark, when I needed yellow tights for a fancy dress costume, except in the end I was Minnie Mouse instead and wore black legs.
T-shirt:  H&M, and there isn't an interesting story about that!

For your amusement, here is an out-take where I look like a pregnant lady with a beard:

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find a cardigan.  Hurry up Spring!

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Procrastination on Toast

January's To-Do List

Become word-perfect AND note-perfect for Patience

Become word-perfect AND note-perfect for The Pirates of Penzance

Attend three million rehearsals for the above

Acquire relevant items of Pirates costume.  In fact, I think I may have grudgingly agreed to act as very well-known costumier for Pirates...

Pull off convincing masquerade of house cleanliness before Landlord's visit.

Decide on and prepare for two possible costume options for fancy-dress party

Hannah's birthday present/Simon's birthday present/Stephanie's birthday present

Decide if it's possible to visit Nuneaton

Get bike serviced

Continue getting up at an unpleasant time that starts with a 6 each morning in order to cycle to work in the dark

I know, I know, some people have exams and essays at the moment, and some people have demanding jobs that mean that they can't spend their evenings pratting around on the stage, and some people are just less lazy than me!


As it may be a while before I get around to providing any quality dresses-and-lipstick blogging for you, here are two festive Boring Outfits:  Staff Christmas party, and New Year's Eve!

New Year's Eve chez Lamer/McBoring was a hoot.  You know when there's a party so good that on Hangover Day you find yourself looking through the night's photos over and over because they make you feel so happy?  That sort of party.
Merry 2012, everyone! 
Here's to a year of health and happiness, and only 22 more get-ups until half term!
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