The GQ Look: Guest Toast

Dearest Toasters,

*lifts glasses* *looks left* *looks right* [in a French accent] It is I, Simon.  

Yes, that’s right, Toasters, the Simon of whom you hear so much is making a guest appearance!  For so long now, I have been meaning to write to you to tell you all about the other side of the fashion coin, the world of male fashion and my interpretation thereof.  I am extremely grateful to your regular Chief Toaster who has granted me this occasion to share my sartorial thoughts with you, even if her legs are often yellow and she stands in stupid poses at the garden gate.  I hate to disappoint you, but I feel I should warn you now that this post will feature none of the “peering through foliage” or “standing in feigned-giddiness with my hands at a 45 degree angle at the side of my body” shots to which you are accustomed.  Not sure what I’m talking about?  This:

Whoops!  That’s enough of that!

Anyway, I live a busy life, so in the style of Bette, I’m going to talk you through my daily outfits and how they fit into my busy-yet-glamorous lifestyle.  If there is no glamorous or humorous story related to a photo, I’ll make one up.  Here’s your first task: can you guess which stories are made-up?  Answers in a comment below!

This season it’s all about geek chic.  Luckily I am a geek, who is also chic, so for a limited time, I’m in fashion!  Here is the photo with which Bette teased you many moons ago when the idea of my guest post was first mentioned:

Shirt: H&M

Chinos: New Look

Faux-leather boots: New Look

Belt: H&M

Glasses: Tommy Hilfiger

This was my outfit for a night out in Newcastle.  The shirt had been bought specially, as the theme was “orange.”  If a colourblind person looks at this photo from a distance, it’s orange, I promise.

Moving on....

My glamorous international working lifestyle often requires me making presentations to the movers and shakers in education all over Europe.  This is me, mid-presentation during a recent business trip to Bruges in Belgium:

Shirt: Tommy Hilfiger
Trousers: M&S
Shoes (not fully visible): Next
Belt: H&M
Glasses: Tommy Hilfiger

This is one of my more boring outfits, which, I warn you, may reappear later in this post, owing to my extremely bad habit of recycling outfits regularly.  It managed to persuade the Europeans that I’d be a cool person to work with, though!

New Year’s Eve is always an interesting event to show off one’s wardrobe.  As I said goodbye to 2011 and said a very slurred “Alriiiiiiiiight?” to 2012, this is what I was wearing (accompanied by Bette herself!):

Shirt: M&S

Chinos: New Look
Espadrilles: TOMS
Belt: River Island

This was a particularly summery outfit, considering New Year’s Eve falls in the depths of winter, yet I feel it was a particularly good choice.  TOMS are excellent footwear for dancing all night long, yet don’t lend themselves well to nightclubs, in my opinion.  Speaking of footwear, did you notice in the above photo that Bette's shoes are not the same colour?  That’s because she’s a gin-swilling drunkard who left her shoes outside a vicarage once in an attempt to shame a Reverend.  Disgraceful.

As I mentioned earlier, I have a high-powered job in the education sector (the extent of which may or may not be a lie...).  As such, I am paid too much to deal with the bodily fluids and crayons that feature in the posts by this blog’s usual author.  Just to make things clear, she is an unqualified baffoon who is paid to be a skivvy to educated folk like me.  Now that we have that out of the way, here are a couple outfits that I regularly sport as I impart knowledge to the next generation of successful people:

Shirt: M&S

Trousers: Next
Shoes: Converse
Skinny tie: Primark
Belt: M&S

Shirt: M&S

Trousers: M&S
Shoes: Converse
Belt: H&M

You will have noted that most of my garments do not come with the same labels regularly cited by your beloved Bette (often accompanied by the vile line ‘via charity shop’ *shudder*).  Again, I’m paid too much to deal with bodily fluids, so I can spend money on my clothes with no worry of being vomited on as someone else wees up my leg.

Only two outfits remain before I leave you with a valuable piece of advice...

Recently I was approached by very important people to speak at a hugely impressive and important conference in London.  That’s how I roll, you see.  This is what I chose to impress the other people travelling in steerage on my way to the Big Smoke:

Shirt: Tommy Hilfiger

Jumper: M&S
Gilet: New Look
Trousers: M&S
Shoes: Converse
Manbag: Exclusive boutique on the Cote d’Azur
Suitcase: Tesco Direct
Broccoli: IKEA (long story)

I was too busy being busy and important (and playing Words With Friends on my iTelephone) to notice if the other people in cattle-class were impressed by my attire, but I’m sure they were.

My final outfit for you in this post is one that I know Bette despises.  Like me, her face is often unable to control itself when she is disgusted, so she tries to appear uninterested, but the upturned lip snarl is enough of a giveaway.  Here’s my slightly-blurry photo:

Shirt: Primark
Gilet: New Look
Black jeans: Primark
Shoes: Converse
Belt: H&M
Glasses: Tommy Hilfiger

I feel that Bette is offended by the gilet in this ensemble, yet that is my favourite feature.  Unfortunately my head is a little too oversized to permit me to utilise the design feature that allows the zip to go over my face.  It’s difficult having such a large brain sometimes.

To round off this post, here is a piece of advice for you, courtesy of Bette and myself: if it is cold outside, always keep your head warm, no matter how ridiculous you look:

Until next time, Toasters!

Dotted with Unnumbered Daisies

Around February last year I grew tired of Winter and its wardrobe implications and began insisting that if I wore dresses and flowers in my hair then the seasons would jolly well have to follow suit and start behaving like Spring.

This year,  despite a much milder winter, I'm even more impatient.  I'm sicksicksick of vests and cardigans and scarves and above all, boots!  I'm yearning to buy a nice new pair of summery brogues, and to wear them with print dresses, a straw boater and ankle socks.  This Sunday morning afternoon - I didn't get dressed until 1.30 - the crisp, sunny skies made me want to reach for a pretty frock and (quite by accident - all my decent black tights are in the wash) some sick yellow tights that I haven't yet managed to fit into an outfit.  I daresay when Simon comes home from Morrisons he will have some scathing words to say about my dressing like a giant daisy, but I quite like it!

Here I am stealing my neighbour's garden gate for a quick spot of posing.  ("Quick" spot of posing my arse - you wouldn't believe the complicated arrangement of flower pot, brick and wheelie bin involved in taking these photographs, and in full view of the whole street, too!)  I always had a secret wish to be Mary from The Secret Garden...  I liked her best because she was a sulky brat like me!

Curses, is that my hair going ginger again?!

Dress: Dorothy Perkins sale, in October, when I was very grumpy because the mother had made me spend the last day of my holiday trekking to uninteresting spots in Northumberland, and by the time we got to Morpeth I had mutinied and escaped to Dotty P's and Costa instead of another museum.

Tights: Primark, when I needed yellow tights for a fancy dress costume, except in the end I was Minnie Mouse instead and wore black legs.

T-shirt:  H&M, and there isn't an interesting story about that!

For your amusement, here is an out-take where I look like a pregnant lady with a beard:

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find a cardigan.  Hurry up Spring!

Procrastination on Toast

January's To-Do List

Become word-perfect AND note-perfect for Patience

Become word-perfect AND note-perfect for The Pirates of Penzance

Attend three million rehearsals for the above

Acquire relevant items of Pirates costume.  In fact, I think I may have grudgingly agreed to act as very well-known costumier for Pirates...

Pull off convincing masquerade of house cleanliness before Landlord's visit.

Decide on and prepare for two possible costume options for fancy-dress party

Hannah's birthday present/Simon's birthday present/Stephanie's birthday present

Decide if it's possible to visit Nuneaton

Get bike serviced

Continue getting up at an unpleasant time that starts with a 6 each morning in order to cycle to work in the dark

I know, I know, some people have exams and essays at the moment, and some people have demanding jobs that mean that they can't spend their evenings pratting around on the stage, and some people are just less lazy than me!

Anyway.

As it may be a while before I get around to providing any quality dresses-and-lipstick blogging for you, here are two festive Boring Outfits:  Staff Christmas party, and New Year's Eve!

New Year's Eve chez Lamer/McBoring was a hoot.  You know when there's a party so good that on Hangover Day you find yourself looking through the night's photos over and over because they make you feel so happy?  That sort of party.

Merry 2012, everyone! 

Here's to a year of health and happiness, and only 22 more get-ups until half term!

New Year's Resolution: Be More Like Stephanie

Does This Count As Posting Underwear Shots On The Internet?

How To Dress For A School Trip To The Farm In December

As promised!  So, when your generally delightful job obliges you to miss out on your annual staff Christmas Dinner and spend the coldest, windiest day of December (so far) helping to shepherd 60 four-year-olds around various hearty outdoor activities on a stupidbloody FARM, well, sartorially speaking, you have two options.

Option 1:  Jeans and a hoodie

No thanks.

Option 2:  X-treme layering!

Here's how...

Step One!

Assemble the ingredients.

Step Two!

Woolly tights and a thermal vest.

(Optional Step 2.5: Over your tights, put on a pair of thermal socks made with possum fur.  I tried this, but had to re-evaluate my sock plans upon discovering that I physically couldn't fit my feet into my wellies!)

Step Three!

Add a long-sleeved top and a pair of thigh-high woolly socks

Step Four!

Woolly dress

Yes, you look a bit daft.  Don't worry, we'll be covering up the top half in Step Five.

Step Five!

Cashmere jumper

That's the inner and middle layers done.  Bring on the outer layers!

Step Six!

Hoodie, scarf and wellies

And finally...

Step Seven!

Coat, ginormous trapper hat, gorilla paw gloves

I must admit, I didn't bother with the gorilla gloves in the end.  Makaton signing is a bit of a bore when you can't move your fingers!

So there you have it.  Do you see why I weep a little when I see outfit posts from bloggers darn sarf whose concession to winter dressing is 40 denier tights and a pair of brogues?!

I was dreading my trip to the farm, but I actually had a brilliant time.  We re-enacted the Nativity in a stable made of straw, sang Little Donkey to an actual donkey, held a snake and tarantula, saw Santa and one rather unimpressive reindeer and fed some llamas. 

I was hoping that my ridiculous hat would persuade the reindeer to adopt me as their leader and/or prevent them getting any ideas about eating me.  It was an impulse/panic purchase when I saw the weather forecast for Farm Day, but it's earning its keep already.  Walking home from rehearsal last night in the fierce winds I struggled to keep my eyelids from drooping - the thing is like a duvet for your head!  It has a manly chin strap rather than pom poms because it's a man hat from the man section of H&M (£9.99 - the almost-identical lady version was £12.99. Hmm.)

Vest, top, dress and belt - Primark

Tights - M&S

Socks - Topshop

Jumper - Tesco via charity shop

Hoodie - NUGSS  (No, you can't buy one for yourself, they're exclusive ;op)

Wellies - Amazon

Coat - Oasis

Hat - H&M

Scarf - a present

Gloves (which are not actually made from real gorilla paws, despite what I like to tell people) - vintage

Jingle Bells

Boring Outfit Post.  School Nativity play.  Christmassy take on my spiffing yellow dress.

Sadly, you can't see the tinsel in my ponytail.

I haven't had woolly tights since I was around twelve.  Whyever not?  They're brilliant!

Dotty P's dress, Acessorize tights, vintage fur collar, belt from somewhere, Radley boots from Kurt Geiger.

Stay tuned, tomorrow's post may be entitled 'How to Dress for a School Trip to a Farm in December'.  Hint, like this:

Five-and-twenty

Chip buttie, Mars bar, cup of tea, pyjamas and Pan Am.  Now that I'm officially halfway to 50, this is what passes for a Friday night here at the house of Lamer/McBoring. 

I was trying hard to write a nice interesting Toast Post, possibly, with pictures of Pan Am, but that sentence was as far as I got because I became distracted by how much I detest Pan Am's boring leading lady, Blondie Plankface.

So anyway, I had a birthday, and lots of nice people spoiled me, so I have spent the first week of my 26th year mainly wearing my new frock, my new sparkly jacket and my new fluffy socks, listening to my new radio[es] and admiring my new pictures, while I brush my hair with my new hairbrush (got to have nice hair for my new hat) and paint on my new eyeshadow, sipping my new gin out of my new mugs AND my new flask, while I think about taking my bike (with its new 'Bette' decal) down to the supermarket to fill my new shopping bag with ingredients to make nice things to put inside my new cake tins so I have something nice to eat while I watch my new dvd.  Phew!

SO!  It is December.  Now, when you earn your living in a primary school, you basically have no chance of successfully avoiding premature Christmas cheer (We've been Away In A Manger-ing since early November), so today I gave up on my Scroogeism and brought out my Mrs Claus look.

(This is a photo from last year, hence the flapper bob.)  I do love my little fur collar.  I wear it as a ski-headband too!

Speaking of last year, I've been trying very hard not to complain too much about the cold, in case the Snow Gods hear me.  Here's a photograph of my front door last December.  Believe it or not, there are fifteen very steep stone steps underneath that welly-submerging snowdrift!  We had to use to back door for weeks.  SO not looking forward to that again...

The Death Stairs were never more aptly named...



Let's Hear It For The Boy

Good news, much-neglected followers of Bette on Toast!  This deserted blog is soon to come alive again, for my long-suffering flatmate, the infamous Simon, has pretty much promised to revive these barren pages with a guest post or two!  SO, if you would like to read a punchy and witty review of what the well-dressed young man is wearing this season (Hint, this:

 )

, then look no further!  All we need to do is feed Simon's ego a bit, just enough to make sure that he doesn't renege on his obligations.  So, comment below with some kind of "I <3 Teachers" bullshit, and maybe there will soon be something interesting to read on my poor blog.

One day I will be inspired and write you a nice post. 

Much affection,

Bette

x

Black Lace and Paper Poppies

I'm glad I re-discovered my little lace bolero thing the other day around a month ago. (Dear self, post mindless drivel on The Internet more frequently.)  I've been in an absolute frenzy of busyness and activity since then, and I've been doing it all whilst wearing my bolero. I've barely taken it off!  Here are two boring outfit post pictures, which accidentally both involve that wonderful garment:

There was a complicated reason why I had to wear orange, and since my plot to get around this was vetoed by Simon on the grounds that The Simpsons isn't an acceptable style muse (Red dress, yellow tights, red shoes - I still think it would have worked), I instead opted for this orange skirt from the Dorothy Perkins sale rail. (I have had great success in Dotty P's sales lately.  The DID have an orange version of my collection of colourblock dresses, and I would have snapped it up had it not been a size too small!)

Outfit Two is from a burlesque show on 11/11/11, and as usual, my completely frivolous tribute to Armistice Day was to stick poppies in my hair.  But look!  Look at my amazing rockabilly fringe!  Best one I've ever done!  I went to the Jeepers Peepers reunion show at the Cluny and had a brilliant time pretending to be cooler and rockabillier than I am.  Maybe in my next quarter-century I'll have tattoos and dubious piercings...

So long, readers.  Maybe I'll update again before this time next month, and MAYBE when I do I'll be wearing something other than my lace bolero!  Over and out.