The GQ Look: Guest Toast

Dearest Toasters,

*lifts glasses* *looks left* *looks right* [in a French accent] It is I, Simon.  

Yes, that’s right, Toasters, the Simon of whom you hear so much is making a guest appearance!  For so long now, I have been meaning to write to you to tell you all about the other side of the fashion coin, the world of male fashion and my interpretation thereof.  I am extremely grateful to your regular Chief Toaster who has granted me this occasion to share my sartorial thoughts with you, even if her legs are often yellow and she stands in stupid poses at the garden gate.  I hate to disappoint you, but I feel I should warn you now that this post will feature none of the “peering through foliage” or “standing in feigned-giddiness with my hands at a 45 degree angle at the side of my body” shots to which you are accustomed.  Not sure what I’m talking about?  This:

Whoops!  That’s enough of that!

Anyway, I live a busy life, so in the style of Bette, I’m going to talk you through my daily outfits and how they fit into my busy-yet-glamorous lifestyle.  If there is no glamorous or humorous story related to a photo, I’ll make one up.  Here’s your first task: can you guess which stories are made-up?  Answers in a comment below!

This season it’s all about geek chic.  Luckily I am a geek, who is also chic, so for a limited time, I’m in fashion!  Here is the photo with which Bette teased you many moons ago when the idea of my guest post was first mentioned:

Shirt: H&M

Chinos: New Look

Faux-leather boots: New Look

Belt: H&M

Glasses: Tommy Hilfiger

This was my outfit for a night out in Newcastle.  The shirt had been bought specially, as the theme was “orange.”  If a colourblind person looks at this photo from a distance, it’s orange, I promise.

Moving on....

My glamorous international working lifestyle often requires me making presentations to the movers and shakers in education all over Europe.  This is me, mid-presentation during a recent business trip to Bruges in Belgium:

Shirt: Tommy Hilfiger
Trousers: M&S
Shoes (not fully visible): Next
Belt: H&M
Glasses: Tommy Hilfiger

This is one of my more boring outfits, which, I warn you, may reappear later in this post, owing to my extremely bad habit of recycling outfits regularly.  It managed to persuade the Europeans that I’d be a cool person to work with, though!

New Year’s Eve is always an interesting event to show off one’s wardrobe.  As I said goodbye to 2011 and said a very slurred “Alriiiiiiiiight?” to 2012, this is what I was wearing (accompanied by Bette herself!):

Shirt: M&S

Chinos: New Look
Espadrilles: TOMS
Belt: River Island

This was a particularly summery outfit, considering New Year’s Eve falls in the depths of winter, yet I feel it was a particularly good choice.  TOMS are excellent footwear for dancing all night long, yet don’t lend themselves well to nightclubs, in my opinion.  Speaking of footwear, did you notice in the above photo that Bette's shoes are not the same colour?  That’s because she’s a gin-swilling drunkard who left her shoes outside a vicarage once in an attempt to shame a Reverend.  Disgraceful.

As I mentioned earlier, I have a high-powered job in the education sector (the extent of which may or may not be a lie...).  As such, I am paid too much to deal with the bodily fluids and crayons that feature in the posts by this blog’s usual author.  Just to make things clear, she is an unqualified baffoon who is paid to be a skivvy to educated folk like me.  Now that we have that out of the way, here are a couple outfits that I regularly sport as I impart knowledge to the next generation of successful people:

Shirt: M&S

Trousers: Next
Shoes: Converse
Skinny tie: Primark
Belt: M&S

Shirt: M&S

Trousers: M&S
Shoes: Converse
Belt: H&M

You will have noted that most of my garments do not come with the same labels regularly cited by your beloved Bette (often accompanied by the vile line ‘via charity shop’ *shudder*).  Again, I’m paid too much to deal with bodily fluids, so I can spend money on my clothes with no worry of being vomited on as someone else wees up my leg.

Only two outfits remain before I leave you with a valuable piece of advice...

Recently I was approached by very important people to speak at a hugely impressive and important conference in London.  That’s how I roll, you see.  This is what I chose to impress the other people travelling in steerage on my way to the Big Smoke:

Shirt: Tommy Hilfiger

Jumper: M&S
Gilet: New Look
Trousers: M&S
Shoes: Converse
Manbag: Exclusive boutique on the Cote d’Azur
Suitcase: Tesco Direct
Broccoli: IKEA (long story)

I was too busy being busy and important (and playing Words With Friends on my iTelephone) to notice if the other people in cattle-class were impressed by my attire, but I’m sure they were.

My final outfit for you in this post is one that I know Bette despises.  Like me, her face is often unable to control itself when she is disgusted, so she tries to appear uninterested, but the upturned lip snarl is enough of a giveaway.  Here’s my slightly-blurry photo:

Shirt: Primark
Gilet: New Look
Black jeans: Primark
Shoes: Converse
Belt: H&M
Glasses: Tommy Hilfiger

I feel that Bette is offended by the gilet in this ensemble, yet that is my favourite feature.  Unfortunately my head is a little too oversized to permit me to utilise the design feature that allows the zip to go over my face.  It’s difficult having such a large brain sometimes.

To round off this post, here is a piece of advice for you, courtesy of Bette and myself: if it is cold outside, always keep your head warm, no matter how ridiculous you look:

Until next time, Toasters!