'Allo Nighthawk, thees ees Bluetit...

I think the children I work with have been secretly reading my blog.  How else can you explain the fact that, a day or two after I featured the "best teecha" picture drawn for me by one little girl, a second little girl tried to one-up her by turning up with a pretty little friendship bracelet she'd made for me?

Very small fans who bring you presents, and all the free Key Stage One fruit you can steal.  Did I mention I bloody love my job? 

It's in my favourite colours too!  Look how well I match!

[What follows is a picture that shows why I should not be allowed to masquerade as a style blogger, that is because I am inept and can't take decent photographs of clothes, have no Photoshop skillz and in fact can seldom be arsed to actually take boring outfit pictures.]

Blue shirt dress: H&M via charity shop
Red cardigan: Warehouse via charity shop via Father Christmas
Sparkly beret (hair needed a wash): Primark
Swallows brooches: Sunday Girl Accessories
Bracelet: handmade by six-year-old girl
Shoes: Hush Puppy via charity shop via Christmas present.

My friend Tara said "Nice brooches Elizabeth!  Are they bluetits?!"  A-hem.

Also, Primark red lipstick may be cheap and cheerful but it bleeds like nobody's business.  You definitely need lipliner!

Tweet tweet tweet!





Birds of a Feather

Last weekend I was in town on the hunt for bargains.  (Where have you been, Hamer? The January sales started on Boxing Day!  There's nothing left!)  I strolled into French Connection, and amongst the £100-reduced-from-£300 embellished party dresses (seriously gorgeous, but as IF) I spied a rack of little khaki shirt-dresses.  The waist ties were all tangled up around the bottom halves of the dresses and they looked a little bit twisted and deformed, but the print was so immensely pretty that I had to have a closer look.

The dresses were £25 (originally £65), which doesn't happen very often in French Connection, and the popular sizes were all still there.  Why on earth hadn't these beautiful dresses been snapped up weeks ago?!  I nabbed a 12, not believing my luck, and took it into the changing room to try on.

You can guess what happened next, can't you?

"Hang on, why has this dress got a gusset?"

It was a bloody playsuit!

So I put it on and took a photo on my phone and texted it to my very fashionable friend Natasha, saying "HELP PLAYSUIT WHAT DO I DO?!?!" and Natasha said "BUY IT!" and I said "BUT PLAYSUIT ARGH!" and Natasha said "BUY ITTTTT!!" so I bought it and took it home and shoved it into my wardrobe and hung my head in shame.

Except, actually, I sort of love it.

In the summertime I'm going to brazenly wear it with Lolita heart sunglasses, green wedgey sandals, the waist belt tied in my hair as a bow, and slender, bronzed legs. (Anyone know where I can buy a pair of those?!)  In the meantime:

Please overlook the fact that my cardigan has got caught up on one side and isn't hanging down evenly like it should be.  Also my tights are navy not black.

Needless to say, going to the loo has been a pain in the arse today!

If playsuits are good enough for Aunt Petunia, I suppose they're good enough for me...!

Horp = Hope in Geordie

I can never be a proper teacher because it might interfere with my future burlesque dancing career, but I bloody love working in a school.

To my best teech
horp you have a grat day from Chloe
Mris haima
best Teecha

Flower in my hair and everything!

When I win the lottery...

I don’t normally go in for high-end fashion or lusting after designer pieces.  (I even hate the term ‘pieces’ to describe garments.)  London Fashion Week was the most boring blog-reading period of 2010 for me, I don’t know my Lagerfeld from my Galliano and I didn’t work out what “A/W10” meant until we were well into “S/S11”.

However.

I can’t begin to express how badly I want a Zac Posen handbag.  In fact, no, I don’t want a Zac Posen handbag.  I want TEN Zac Posen handbags.  Specifically, these ones...

These are all from the ‘Resort 2011’ collection from Posen’s ‘Z Spoke’ diffusion line (why are designer shops so complicated?), which I have only heard of thanks to a post Style High Club did today.  The clothes are bonkers but lovely and sort of Riviera-ish, and the handbags are HEAVEN.  (Strangely, the bags in the Spring 2011 and Fall 2010 sections didn’t charm me at all.)

Look at this ginormohumongous weekend bag!  (It’s actually called a ‘Bridle Leather Jumbo Top Handle Flap w/ Scarf Detail Handle and Signature Hardware’) I want it in eye-popping candy blue AND sophisticated tan.  (Or, as Zac calls them, ‘Fresia’ and ‘Latte’)

I love the floppy scarfy bits on these ‘Faille Top Handle Flap’ bags.  The red has va-va-voom appeal, but I also really like the two-tone one.  It’s sort of equestrian.

And how vintagely gorgeous is the same thing in ‘Houndstooth’?  WANT IT!

How unspeakably chic would you look waiting to board a plane with an enormous trolley (and attendant dogsbody) piled high with this fresia, floral and latte lot?  I like the satchel-ish one on the left.

No, I’ve changed my mind.  I want to do all my weekending with this ‘Ocean Pebble Leather Top Handle Flap’ from the Fall 2010 collection.  (Which should mean it’s in the sale, right?!)

The Zac Posen website doesn’t actually specify the prices of it’s ‘pieces’ (see, it’s annoying, isn’t it?), but considering that this rather dull and minging one...

...is on sale at Saks Fifth Avenue for $1,495, I don’t really fancy my chances of owning one (or ten) ever in my lifetime.  Ah well.

(Images all nabbed from the Z Spoke website, except for one from the Saks website)

And I will purge thy mortal grossness so That thou shalt like an airy spirit go

This lady is only here so that the thumbnail photo on people's blog readers is of her looking foolish not of me looking foolish.

There was something of the vintage chorine about last night’s outfit, which explains why I’m pictured doing my best “Come Peaseblossom! Cobweb! Moth! and Mustardseed!" impression.  (Interesting factoid, I played Peaseblossom in A Midsummer Night's Dream at school, and I was also Theseus, which is very strange because the drama teacher must have misheard me when I said I wanted to audition for the role of Helena...)

Throwing shapes in pictures makes it much harder to crop out unsightly bedroom clutter.

Dress:  New Look

Belt: Came on another dress

Cuff bracelet:  Christmas present

Tights:  I haven't the faintest idea. Who keeps track of where they buy their tights?!

Silver leopard shoes - Accessorize

Anyway, I spent the evening with my favourite theatrical people, so it was all very appropriate.

I tried to curl my hair with straighteners, but it was a bit of a disaster. (Nothing to do with lack of skill, I am in fact very good at curling hair with straighteners. Faulty straighteners in this case, clearly.)  I quite like the randomly-tousled-hair-with-straight-fringe effect, though.

P.S. Dear Miss Fyfe the drama teacher, I played Titania a year later, so there.

P.P.S. I am naughty and steal pictures from Flickr and We heart it and don't know how to do the proper crediting thing.  If I have stolen your picture I am very sorry.

My blog's first review in the national press*

(*Facebook totally counts as the national press)

I went back to my tap dancing class tonight, and I also stayed on and did the next level up class for clever people (BAD MOVE, oh, my poor little feet) so I'm consequently exhaustipated and fit only for burbling gibberish like hop shuffle hop shuffle hop step, shuffle hop step, shuffle hop step, and-a-one-and-a-two-and-a-three, four, and-five-and-six-and-seven-and-eight.  So it's probably a bad idea to attempt a post tonight. Instead I'll let my chum Alexa do the talking (don't worry Simon, she won't actually be talking), via a Facebook message she sent me earlier today.

Ok so you need to tell me how I can comment on stuff on your actual blog, because I am super witty and you need my opinions on stuff and at the moment I am having to flick between tabs to see posts and tell you what I think on facebook (please note tabs, not separate web pages, because I am moving on to be a modern luddite!).
First important comment-stop wearing the necklace in your hair, I do not approve!
2) Love the random furry girl, I would like to be her too. Also I think muffs should be brought back into fashion and intend to start a trend, be warned this is probably what you are going to get for Christmas next year.
3) Stop tasting bath products! You are not a 5yr old!
4)I love the white and red outfit. Stephanie's dress is like mine but its better so please can you steal it for me!
5) I made my friend Katie look at your blog and she said "shes very pretty isn't she"
6)Do not put pictures of chocolate on your blog, it makes me want some and like every other female on the planet, I am trying to be good this month-that said, I may have snog for dinner!
Also I love that because I know you, when reading your blog I can hear your not so dulcet tones!
Much love xoxoxoox

 

It made me smile!

 

 

Lazy Saturday - Cult or Classic?

What IS the plural for Quality Street?  Is each individual choc a Street, so you have a box of Streets?  When I was at school and those completely horrendous Rockport boots were en vogue with the completely horrendous oiks at my completely horrendous school, you used the brand name as the plural. ("You got new Rockport yeh? Ow much woh theh?", "Undred." "Ah, mine woh undred n twe'y.") One Rockport, two Rockport, one pair of Rockport.  Is it the same with chocolates?  Anyway, I've had five so far.



Reliving school has made me feel quite faint and I've forgotten what I was going to talk about.  Something about the water gushing down our kitchen walls and the reservoir under the floor tiles?  Well anyway, to cut out all of the important details in order to make a long story short, the heating's off and the windows are all open and the flat is COLD.

"I'm cold."
"Let's go out somewhere warm.  Let's go to the Butterfly Cabinet."
"But I want to be thin."
"But the house is full of chocolate."
"Flawless logic, let's go out and have pancakes."

(Anyone interested in the flooded-kitchen saga may visit Simon's blog for a rather vile photograph of a burger and the full detai -actually, he hasn't really put any more details than I did, so don't bother.)

And then we came back and ate Quality Street/s and watched 'Allo 'Allo.  Here is a picture of a doll I found at Granny's house:

Dead ringer, ain't she? Right down to the plait and "GO AVAY!" expression.

Best thing about 'Allo 'Allo is the perfect WW2 hair.  Well, if you overlook Yvette's '80s perm, Helga and Edith always have amazing updos that are exactly right, AND they're different every episode.  I like that the show's stylists put a lot of effort into the hair.  Hair is important.

We're going to see The King's Speech tonight (because today is the 8th, not yesterday).  The Tyneside Cinema is extremely pretty, and I imagine the film will have good costumes.  And I'm going to have popcorn for tea.

Wo-o-oah, give me a chance, 'cause when I start to dance, I'm a mooovie star!

My new favourite blog:

http://essbeevee.blogspot.com/

Someone please restrain me from sending Sarah of SBV a stalkerish email with an itemised list of why we should be best friends. 
(It would start as follows:  1. We both like berets and dresses and bargains, and glancing at her photos I've seen a few things that have twins in my own wardrobe.  2. She has exactly the type of blog I'd like mine to be (a bit style-y, but not a Fashion Blog, a bit nice-things-I-like-y, but not a Flickrporn blog, a bit I-am-chatting-on-mindlessly-about-my-daily-life-in-a-warm-and-funny-narrative-voice-that-enchants-the-reader, but not ever a dull blog), but with better photos.  3. She has nice hair.  4. We seem to both like using snatches of vaguely-relevant quotes or lyrics for blog titles.  5. She likes red dresses and dressing "matchy-matchy".  6. She makes nice cakes, and I feel it's very sensible to have friends who make nice cakes.)

It is January the FOURTH (I actually had to look that up because I couldn't remember the hell how many days old January was!) and I haven't got a New Year's Resolution yet.  I tell you what though, 'Banish the Christmas Podge' isn't going to be one of them, or if it is it isn't going to have much success.  Yesterday was thwarted by Simon appearing with a fruitcake, today was thwarted by the staffroom still being full of Christmas biscuits and chocs, tomorrow I'm going out for dinner...  What's a girl to do?!

There haven't been many dead movie stars gracing the pages of betteontoast for a while, so here's a selection to make this gloomy January evening (apparently we're going to have more snow later this week OH GOODY (SARCASM)) a bit prettier.

New Year's Resolution: Become more like Jane Russell.

What are you doing New Year's, New Year's Eve?

Merry new year, imaginary-friends-on-the-internet!

Personally, I'm a little sceptical - I don't trust odd numbers.  No good can come of a year ending in eleven, mark my words!

Anyway.

I believe it's customary among bloggers to post frequently during the festive period, with a 'here's how I've decorated my tree' post, and a 'here's what I've been baking' post, and a 'here's what I got for Christmas' post, and a 'here I am ready to go out on New Year's Eve' post, but I'm very lazy so I haven't done any of that sort of thing.

Here's a boring outfit post instead!

Aside from needing a necklace, I rather like today's casual, most-of-my-clothes-are-still-in-the-suitcase-and-I'm-only-getting-dressed-at-all-because-I-want-to-put-my-pyjamas-in-the-wash ensemble, and I might even chuck it on again tomorrow because I'm a dirty slattern.



Please admire my flowery tights, which were a Christmas present from my friend Hannah, who knows me very well!

I got my grey cardigan in a charity shop last week.  I think it will henceforth be known as 'the Hermione', because it's exactly that school-uniform shade of grey, and it has a lightening bolt to show that I'm a WIZARD!

Now I'm going to show you a few more outfits, only these ones aren't boring, they're festive!  

Do you know the best thing about annoyingly beautiful and stylish sisters?  Borrowing their clothes.  Here I am on Christmas day, decked out entirely in Stephanie's finery, tights and jewellery and everything!

And here's the rightful owner, with me, on three successive Christmas mornings. 

I think we get better with age, don't you?!

One night we dressed for dinner, and I enjoy this picture because I remind myself of the very glamorous Vintage Baroness (and you should follow her blog if you like gazing wistfully at pictures of elegant 1930s dresses)

I know the shoes aren't quite right, but I had limited options and it was those or wellies.

(Still obsessed with wearing that leaf necklace on my head.  Definitely one of my more brilliant ideas!)

I'm going to leave you with a picture of my best Christmas present.

It's gin and tonic flavour shower gel!!  And it really smells like G&T!!

(It tastes quite like G&T as well, until the bubble bath taste kicks in...)

Num num num.

Actually, don't join the celebration...

In case anyone's interested, on Saturday I wore exactly the same outfit as I wore on Friday daytime, but this time accessorised with bleary eyes, post-hairspray mophead, faltering steps, croaky voice and determined avoidance of bright lights and loud noises.  It was a good party!

Also, I have just seen this outfit on an advert for Modcloth.com and my jaw literally dropped.

I want to skip around in the snow looking like that, please.

Come! And! Join the Celebration!

Last day of term, yeee-haaa!!  I'm going to tell you a story about a leopard, but first bear with me through a short boring outfit post.

I thought I looked a bit doof this morning when I put this creation on, but I grew to love it as the day wore on!

Anyway.

When the girls I work with asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I said "A boyfriend, har har" and they started going on about swapping me for camels and so forth (Oh, incidentally Simon, "Starbucks in the town" was cited as THE place to go to look at young fitties, so maybe the one that hates you is more a case of the lady doth protest too much, hem hem...) but in the end they didn't sell me to the highest bidder, they gave me a fantastically tacky leopard-print jacket instead.

I LOVE it.

It is our Christmas party tonight, and the jacket will be given its first outing.  I don't think it particularly goes with my dress, and I will freeze my knackers off* but I DON'T CARE.

*Have I even got knackers?  Is it a synonym for balls?  I'm going to Google...  Ah yes, apparently it's  "a low and dialect 19th and 20th century term", coming from 'knockers'.  Or it could mean a knacker as in the knacker's yard, or it could also have roots in 'gonads', yes ok, that's enough about knackers now, dear me, I shall blush.

I'm going to show you a close-up of my 'do, so be prepared to worship me as a hair guru, because I've got a necklace on my head again, and I look BRILLIANT.

Gormless, but oh-so-glam.

Right, I'm off for some Christmassy fun.  Hope I survive - you haven't partied until you've partied with primary school teachers, that's for sure!

Has Simon been brainwashing these children?

Overheard in the classroom:



"Miss Hamer, why are you wearing that hat?"

"Because I'm COOL."

"No you're not!"

"I am!"

"You're not.  Cool people wear cool clothes.  Not skirts."

If ze Resistance had been a little more showbiz.

Boring outfit post

Something silly like -13 here when I got up this morning.

Slippers were replaced with shiny red Dorothy shoes, tempting as it was to wear them at school...

You know the most irritating thing about winter?  The fact that no matter how you arrange your neckline, your thermal vest invariably still shows!

I find the best way to solve the problem is with a vintage fur collar, which can be handily popped on to add a dash of Mrs Claus appeal to any plain jumper, whilst also preventing any seriously unglam vest sightings.

Fur collar

Black jumper

Black skirt (accidently accessorised with both yoghurt and toothpaste, d'oh)

Blingtastic bracelet ("Gasp! Miss Hamer, are those real pearls from under the sea?!" exclaims the little girl I support)

Yeti slippers